When We Suffer Needlessly
Suffering is an inevitable part of what it means to be human. That’s not always bad. Often suffering serves to strengthen us and soften us at the same time. But there are times when we create false suffering for ourselves. This is exactly what I did recently.
I obsessed over a big decision for months. It loomed ahead like a solid, brick wall. My way forward seemed blocked until I could make this decision. Back and forth I went. One day, I knew I would go one way, and then something would happen and I would be just as certain that I should go in the opposite direction. I felt, in the words of James, “double-minded, unstable in all my ways.” I asked for advice from dear friends. I harassed my husband daily. As much as I prayed and asked for God’s direction, I was getting no closer to knowing what to do and the designated final decision date was drawing near.
The day came and I approached the impenetrable wall, still unsure about what to do. I spent three hours in prayer that morning (which I never do normally), reading Scripture, journaling, walking, and begging God to give me clear direction. Instead, He gave me a clearer sense of His passion for His beloved sheep and an invitation to help Him care for them. I knew that was what I most wanted to do. I knew that God was showing me something profound. But I couldn’t see how to connect that to my big decision dilemma!
So I called an emergency meeting with my spiritual director. With only two more hours until I had to give my decision, I wanted her to help me make sense of what I was learning. I knew she wouldn’t tell me what to do. I didn’t want her to. But if there was something I was missing, maybe she could help me see it. Sure enough, after I poured everything out to her, she asked me a couple of pointed questions about who I was trusting. Then we sat in silence together to see what would rise to the surface from the abundance of words I had just poured out.
I suddenly knew that God wanted me to hear, “Just speak the truth, and I will take care of the rest.” It seemed that I didn’t need to decide at all. My self-imposed deadline was arbitrary and illusionary. Sure enough, when I went into my meeting and reached out to touch that wall that I thought was a solid mass, it disintegrated before me like a desert mirage. No decision was needed. I just knew what I needed to do next. I couldn’t believe that I had created a mountain in my imagination where none existed. God wasn’t giving me direction because my dilemma was self-created.
In Psalm 81, we read of God imploring His people to allow Him to take care of them, protect them from their enemies, and use them to bless the world. He desired to satisfy their deepest cravings saying, “open your mouth wide, and I shall fill it” (vs. 10). But they would not listen to Him. They refused to trust Him by obeying Him. God lamented, “So I gave them up to the stubbornness of their hearts, and let them follow their own imaginations” (vs. 12).
Invariably, the Israelites imagined their fears into reality. For example, when the Israelites faced the fearful prospect of invasion and annihilation, they panicked and sought out a deal with the Egyptians. The Egyptians! How ironic that they would seek salvation from the land of their slavery! God pleaded with His people to calm down and let Him take care of things, but rather than rest in trust, they insisted on their own disastrous path. Isaiah wrote: “For the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said: ‘By repentance and rest you would be saved; your strength would lie in quiet confidence— but you were not willing.’ ‘No,’ you say, ‘we will flee on horses.’ Therefore you will flee! ‘We will ride swift horses,’ but your pursuers will be faster . . .” (30:15). The faster the Israelites ran, the faster came the pursuers. They could not save themselves. The Egyptians let them down. God could only watch aghast at their foolishness. He cannot help where help is not wanted.
This is how we suffer needlessly. We worry over nonexistent problems. We flee when God says stay. We grovel in self-pity. We think we must come up with solutions to every problem and be all things to all people. We refuse to believe that God is taking care of things and that there is really nothing we can do to fix some things. We refuse to trust and obey the One who can rescue us. If we would stop and listen, might we hear Him say something like, “Just be honest, and I will take care of the rest?”
I felt so foolish when I realized how much energy I had wasted worrying about a false wall, one that I had only imagined. The Christian life is not supposed to be easy. God allows and uses suffering, sometimes compelling us into the wilderness. In fact, He graciously met me in my foolishness and invited me back into His work. But I wonder if our burden isn’t actually lighter than we sometimes make it out to be. Or maybe we are carrying some burdens we were never meant to carry at all. God is just waiting for us to give them up to Him so that we can enjoy His offer of rest.
